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Harassment at work: quit or build relationships?

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If you think about it, then offices (and other workrooms) are literally created for love. After all, they are filled with creatures of male and female sex, spending side by side for eight hours a day, having dinner together, and sometimes having parties. There is a dress code that literally requires you to look attractive, coolers and vending machines with chocolates where you can meet, nooks ... Is it any wonder when the next roommates wake up under one blanket?

Offices are literally made for love. After all, they are filled with creatures of male and female sex, spending side by side for eight hours a day, having dinner together, and sometimes having parties

“Today, employers have already agreed to consider office romances as unavoidable production costs,” says Lisa Mainiero, professor at the Department of Management at Fairfield University. “Usually, the authorities simply turn a blind eye to such things, unless, of course, this does not harm the work in any way.”

Well, this is good news, because dating girls in a club, bar, or on the street requires more inventiveness, artistry, and charisma from you. To begin with, you're sober in the office (well, at least we hope so). And here you have much more time to show your best side.

Any work collective is the same school class or group at the university. The only difference is that it consists of older and more sophisticated men and women.

In other words, this is another community in which a very thin line separates friendship from sex. To find out how to overcome this line, psychology professor David Bass traveled half the world. He explored 37 different communities - from villages in the Sahara desert to modern cities in the US and Europe - and he realized one thing: all women are the same.

Wherever Bass turned out to be, the most popular among the weaker sex were imperious and successful men. So, except for games with children and puppies in the park, you will nowhere be able to look more attractive for the weaker sex than at your workplace, especially if you have subordinates and talent to easily solve complex problems.

It turns out, working well, you kill two birds with one stone: make a career and gain points in the eyes of colleagues in skirts, which nature itself pushes into your bed. The more ambitious and smarter you seem to them, the more they want children from you.

At work, every potential life friend is at a glance: if she calls her mother six times a day or the wall at her desk is hung with portraits of Stas Mikhailov, you will be the first to know

The choice is yours. At work, every potential life friend is at a glance. This is not a blind date, and the skeleton in the closet cannot be concealed here. If she calls her mother six times a day or the wall near her desk is hung with portraits of Stas Mikhailov, you will be the first to know about it.

In addition, you will see: how she copes with stress, how she manages her time, how she behaves in conflict situations, and if it’s your custom to bring food from home - even what and how she cooks. In all other cases, this information becomes available only when you already live with it.

The opportunity to get to know someone well before you start dating is a huge plus of service romances. But do not rush to drag a secretary with a sensual mouth into a dark conversation room, love at work has its own unwritten rules.

Most men recognize them by going through trials, mistakes, public humiliation and even job loss. But we have a better suggestion: how about learning from the mistakes of others? Let's take Danila's example (we changed his name, like all other names in the article).

You sleep with the boss - keep it a secret

Danila met Lisa when he was 23 and she was 29, but the difference in their position on the career ladder was much steeper. If some bosses have grumbling old people, then Danila got a red-haired beast with delicious caviar. In general, he fell in love, but she did not, but she did not mind friendship.

They talked a lot, dined together, and once after the party, Danila led Lisa home and woke up in her bedroom the next morning. It seems to be an ordinary story, but because of it you can seriously ruin your life.

80% of HR specialists and 60% of other office employees believe that romance between bosses and subordinates should be prohibited. The obvious reason is that colleagues begin to trust less people who have an affair with the leader. Many believe that the lovers of bosses enjoy certain privileges.

Out-of-place relationships also do not benefit those who are on top (we are not talking about sex, but about the situation in the office hierarchy). One such love affair - and when choosing a candidate for an even higher position, a loving candidate will prefer someone who is not seen in defamatory ties. Moreover, they will not say about the real reason for the failure to the failed person, which will only worsen his condition.

How to avoid becoming a victim of mobbing, bullying and bossing?

Mobbing, bullying, bossing. These mysterious words mean only various options of persecution organized by one or several people at the work of an employee who is objectionable to them. Do you think this does not threaten you? You are mistaken. Any of us could be a potential victim, while millions of people around the world are counting victims of office terror.

Conspiracy against the victim

Alla knows firsthand what it feels like when a team rejects and does not let them into its close ranks. Once she worked in a company where the main contingent of workers were ladies much older than her. But instead of motherly care, the girl was faced with ignoring and open hostility of her colleagues. And although she liked the work and the authorities had no complaints against her, Alla had to quit a few months after the start of the conspiracy against her.

This is a typical example of mobbing (mob - crowd), or persecution by a group of persons of one person. As a rule, the goal of mobbing and other types of psychological pressure is to make the victim lose their nerves and shamefully escaped from the "battlefield."

The main difference between targeted bullying and ordinary conflicts and strained relationships with someone is in its consistency and duration, from several weeks to several years. There are other signs that suggest that a war has unleashed against you. For example, regular criticism, often too petty or containing no specifics, ridicule and insults, threats and outright slander. They hide important information from you or don’t provide it on time, load it with deeds that are not too relevant to your competence, and do not invite you to joint collective events. But if you make reasonable claims about the really poor quality of your work, they cannot be blamed.

A person who has undergone psychological terror may also have health problems: sleep disorders, physical exhaustion, persistent migraines, depression, and various diseases. Self-esteem falls, self-doubt appears. On health problems, the pursuers will not fail to open another trump card: "Why keep an employee who is on sick leave all the time?"

Five reasons for mobbing

The most common reasons for mobbing and its variants are several.

  1. Commonplace envy and the fear that you will cross someone’s path is why successful professionals quite often are ostracized.
  2. Sometimes the trigger becomes quarrel between peoplewhich, having reached its peak, leads to harassment in the workplace.
  3. Another option - the boss and his subordinate at one time already connected relationshipthat go beyond official ones: for example, friendship or love. But then they were interrupted. However, both sides have to work together, and in some cases the boss will seek to get rid of the person with whom something has shared.
  4. Office wars often provoke unhealthy atmosphere in the company - constant staff turnover, a rigid system of fines and control, distrust of each other. In such a team there is a tension hidden for the time being, which sooner or later will require discharge. And then anyone can become a scapegoat.
  5. An important role in whether there is a tendency in the organization to “witch-hunt” is played manager's personality. There are bosses who love to manipulate people and push their foreheads. Collective persecution of an employee occurs with their tacit approval, or even with their submission, when they want to get rid of an unwanted person with the wrong hands. Sometimes leaders underestimate the severity of the situation, tolerate such tricks by subordinates and do not take any measures against the instigators of bullying, leaving them with a sense of impunity. But the boss, like no one else, is responsible for the positive psychological climate in the team and the settlement of industrial conflicts.

Daria Stasevich, psychologist

Some companies have adopted "hazing" of newcomers, this is a kind of tradition of joining the team. When you go through this stage, then everything is likely to form. On the causes of pressure in relation to yourself, you can look at the other side. Perhaps similar situations have already occurred in your life. Then you need to understand what your behavior can provoke others to such an attitude. For example, you are used to playing the role of the victim and do not know how to stand up for yourself. Or you differ too much from colleagues - in behavior, in appearance - and they do not understand and do not accept you. Among other reasons - you out of ignorance or intentionally ignore the established "rules of the game" and do not share the values ​​of the group, you have come to the company by pulling, they want to put "your" person in your place.

Bullying: one on one

When the chief of Maya, who worked as an assistant judge, was admitted to the hospital for a whole year due to a serious illness, his staff were temporarily transferred to another station. There, a woman had to face the inappropriate behavior of one of her colleagues. "She worked as an assistant to my new leader and for some reason immediately disliked me, mischievously with terrible force. She will spread the rumors behind me that I supposedly got a job through the bed. She will be silent about the boss’s important request, and she impudently lied to him that everything handed me, "- Maya shares.

This is another version of psychological terror - bullying (bully - bully), or the pursuit of one person by another, usually equal in status. It is believed that a feature of bullers is a constant thirst for "fresh blood". Often, after the victim, unable to withstand bullying, quits, the attacker is taken for the next “lamb”.

How to build a relationship?

If you feel that a targeted large-scale campaign is being conducted against you, you can choose several fighting strategies. The main thing is to realize why you are ready to fight.

Try to give a decisive rebuff to the aggressors. Another option is to ignore attacks with the expectation that sooner or later they will leave you behind. A technique such as “external consent” also helps: “Perhaps you are right, I will think about it.” Sometimes this produces an effect of surprise: outbursts of anger or miserable excuses were expected from you, and now you have a chance to take control of the situation.

Ask your boss for help. By and large, it is possible to stop mobbing or bullying if he takes appropriate measures. Otherwise, further struggle for their rights may turn into a battle with windmills.

You are also able to take certain steps in order to to warn of possible negative self-attitude. When hiring, find out what the corporate culture and values ​​of the company are, whether mutual assistance, respect for each other, etc. are accepted. Sources of such information are interviews with the HR manager and future manager. If you are hiring a company whose products you used to use, pay attention to how customers in this organization’s stores relate. After all, often this is a reflection of the style of relationships within the company. During the trial period, you can also find out a lot of interesting things. For example, whether there is pressure from any of the employees. If such a phenomenon exists, draw the appropriate conclusions.

Karina Khutaeva, director of the international educational center

If you meet with bullying at work, keep calm and do not stoop to the level of pursuers. Do not scream or intimidate in return. Often, “attackers” specifically provoke you, expecting retaliatory aggression, as this will give them a chance to respond to you with even more powerful provocation. It is not recommended to cry or show your weakness, this is expected of you in the first place. Continue to work efficiently, because the "well-wishers" hope to see you broken, and when you succeed time after time, it is perceived by them as a defeat. Be sure to show the results of your work to your bosses to protect yourself from malicious slander about your lack of professionalism. And do not let isolate you from loyal colleagues, maintain business and friendly relations with them.

Natalya Verigina, business coach

The victims of bullying or mobbing are often people with low self-esteem, so it is important to work to increase it. The help to the psychologist, participation and victories in competitions of professional skill will help with this. Often persecuted are single people who keep apart from the team. Learn to build relationships with people - this will make it easier to establish contact with colleagues and form an "army of allies." They can become employees not only from their own, but also from related departments, and even more significant - the immediate supervisor. Learn to defend your position, taking into account the interests of all parties and the "rituals" adopted by the company so that disputes do not develop into a tough conflict. Do not make enemies with your own hands.

Bossing: boss versus

The confrontation between Nina and her boss lasts a long time, and no one will remember the root cause. The leader creates an unbearable atmosphere at work for his employee. It sets unrealistic deadlines for accomplishing tasks, requires strict observance of labor discipline, and the rest are given significant concessions. Nina is in constant stress, and from dismissing her while stopping her is only an even greater fear of remaining unemployed.

In this case, we are talking about bossing (boss - Chef, boss), persecuted by the head of his subordinate. In fact, this is the same bullying, but not horizontal, but vertical. Usually it is used when the boss lacks weighty arguments to legally dismiss a person.

As a rule, the victim has little hope for the help of colleagues, because they are not at all eager to fall under the punishing sword. Sometimes the boss’s attitude to someone is perceived by his subordinates as a visual indication of action, in such a situation a person is under cross-bullying literally from all sides.

They can put pressure on you, forcing to urgently write a letter of resignation of their own free will. Do not make any decisions in a hurry, you have every right to take a break for thought. If you agree to quit your job, try agreeing to quit by agreement of the parties. This suggests that both parties are ready to make concessions to each other. You leave, and the employer, if you can agree with him, pays a severance pay in a certain amount. After all, dismissal on its own initiative involves only compensation for unused vacation.

In any case, experts recommend leaving the company where terror of people with impunity is allowed, and the sooner the better. Otherwise, the consequences for your health and psychological state may become irreversible.

Daria Stasevich, psychologist

If the boss decided to fire you, you will have a very difficult time. But your departure is not the only option, although it is very likely. You can try to transfer to another department of the same company or to another branch or even a region, if there is such an opportunity. You can ask for help from a higher authority or to a court. There are also city and district labor inspectorates. It is important to provide documentary evidence of a violation of your rights - voice recordings of conversations with superiors, various correspondence, an employment contract, etc. are suitable.

Rule 9 - Know the Labor Law

Do you know that work at the weekend is paid in double size? Do you know that if you want to be fired, then you are required to pay several salaries (Unless of course you are fired under the article)?

Now you know. Learn the law, do not let unscrupulous employers exploit your ignorance of the law. The company is required by law to pay overtime. You have the right to have your work paid in full.

Of course, in domestic organizations the law is often circumvented. For example, this happens in firms with a “gray” part of salary. В таких организациях у сотрудника меньше прав: его могут уволить просто так, ему могут не заплатить или понизить зарплату без предупреждения. Это не значит, что я не советую работать в таких фирмах. Но все-таки я считаю отсутствие «серой» зарплаты существенным критерием выбора работы. Если компания работает «в белую» – это большой плюс.

I write about it because many people don’t think about it and consider avoiding taxation the most natural thing! When I went for interviews, I asked the question: “Do you have a white salary?”
They looked at me in surprise and answered: “white ?? Of course not! So what?"

And the fact that I, as an employee, are at great risk when I work in such an organization. Most often, everything can be dispensed with and if the organization is normal, they will pay you. But you are not safe from anything. If a company has problems, if it is faced with the need to reduce staff, you can simply be easily let go on all four sides (or simply reduce your salary by half) with virtually no compensation.

Remember, breaking the law and denying you your legal rights is not the norm!

Knowing the law will help you assert your rights and make work easier. After all, you have rights, which means there are guarantees, so there are fewer reasons for concern.

Rule 10 - Home Separated from Work

After work, throw all thoughts of her out of your head. Think about something else. Leave all your worries about a failed plan, an unsent report at your workplace. Work is not the main thing in life. For many of us, it's just a way to make money. All the endless working intrigues, conflicts, unfulfilled obligations are all rubbish, trifles.

Many of us do not decide people's lives at work, but are merely links in a huge body that works in the interests of shareholders and owners of the corporation. Is your role in this system so important to you?

The entire activity of the corporation is the employment of some people, the dividends of other people, and access to certain benefits of third people. All corporations together form a market that carries the function of distributing goods and services in society.

This is undeniably helpful and helps organize public relations. Such a system is not an absolute evil. But is it worth deifying this car? To deify the role of a cog in it? Relax Take this role easier! Did not do the job? Nothing wrong. Kick it out of your head if your work day is already over. Think about it tomorrow, as the heroine of a famous novel said.

Stop getting hung up on your work. There are many things in life that need your attention and participation. Work is far from your whole life.

Some people are proud that they dedicate themselves so selflessly to work, are ready to give up everything in order to please the bosses and help the development of the company. They see this as nobility, loyalty and a certain kind of heroism. I do not see anything in this except an escape from my problems, dependence (workaholism), selfishness, weakness, servility to authorities, limitations, lack of interests and hobbies.

Your family needs you more than your boss. Your health is more important than any money. Life was not created in order to heroic work for 12 hours every day until retirement. If you devote your whole life only to work, then what will you achieve in the end? Money? Confessions?

Why is all this necessary if you have wasted the years of your life? It will make you a hero in the eyes of your boss

Rive no noise

We don’t want to break you buzz, but no matter how wonderful your new relationship may seem, they don’t have much chance to survive. More than 60% of couples diverge during the first year - and often with scandals. How to avoid this?

The best option is to discuss at the first date (yes, at the first) how your break can be framed. “It may sound strange,” says Lisa Meigniero, “but it’s just such a step that will protect you from possible problems in the future.” When you are in love and positive, the conversation about breaking up can be put on in a comic form and thus find out how your new girlfriend sees life after sex. However, with Danila and Lisa, the romance ended before it even started.

She wanted to "stay friends." Often in such a situation, the guy goes on the attack: tons of flowers, serenades and art painting of asphalt under the windows of his beloved. Alas, in the office this behavior will end with a call to the personnel department, so it’s easier to backtrack. It sounds pathetic, but Danila did just that (clever!).

He soon became convinced that he was right. Another “front-line couple” in their office vividly demonstrated how not to behave. They either converged, then diverged, or yelled at each other, or else cuddled on the stairs. From the outside, it resembled a base soap opera, which the whole team watched and discussed.

Be cold at work, hot at home

The best thing you can do for your career is to prohibit yourself once and for all from having intimate conversations with your girlfriend during working hours. Even if she sits at the next table and you know that there is no linen on it.

The habit of keeping private life outside the office is especially useful for quarrels. “If something goes wrong, you will not begin to sort things out at work at the reflex level, because you’re used to not letting them in this room,” Tina Tessina, the family psychotherapist and author of the book “Unofficial Instructions for Resuming Relationships,” persuades.

Yes, we know that this is almost impossible. Nevertheless, it is better to tolerate home.

Here it is not only a violation of taboos and poked cameras everywhere. Too overt manifestations of sympathy can annoy colleagues, and extra enemies have never benefited from a career. Maybe the husband just left the accountant, the IT specialist had sex only with him, and the wife has not been giving the pot-bellied department head for a year already? Your lustful face will be worse for them than a red rag, and yes, they will take revenge. So stop grabbing your lover by the knees and giggle stupidly.

No sex for one night

Do you remember Danila? The one that slept with the boss, and then received a turn from the gate. Had this one-time sex with a couple who met at a club, they would have simply fled, but this would not work with an office romance. On the morning of the same day, yesterday's lovers met at work, and then the next morning and so on. A more stupid position is hard to imagine.

Something like this happened with Max and Alice. They quickly went from chatting at the cooler to gatherings in the bar after work, and then to touching with their feet under the table during meetings. In this case, the lady already took what was happening seriously, and Max broke off the relationship immediately after contact.

Now, every day, Alice saw Max, and every day he flirted, but not with her. Fortunately, a scandal did not reach a loud, but this does not always happen. The rejected often tears off the roof. According to the Journal of Neurophysiology, painful parting activates the same areas of the brain that are involved in drug addicts during withdrawal. So, if you decide to just have some fun, and your partner considers sex the beginning of great love, you can end up making yourself a dangerous and unpredictable enemy.

Think for her

Be prepared for the fact that the colleague with whom you are starting a romance will start to panic: “Well, people will think ?!” Actually, there’s nothing to be guessed at. In such affairs, society almost always evaluates a man less strictly than a woman. You will look like a smoothie and a real man, any label of four or five letters can cling to it.

This is another reason to think again, before sharing the juicy details of their love victories with the guys in the smoking room or over a cup of coffee. Remember: novels at work often lead to the fact that one of the lovers is easier to quit than to be a hero of office folklore.

Protect your good name

As I saw from my own experience, 32-year-old Igor, who first met with Sonya at work and then with Natasha, the donjuana label can stick for a long time. When a message appeared on one of the recruiting sites that he was leaving for another company, on the same day a comment was posted under the publication: “Remember, he sleeps with everyone!”

So it is better not to abuse office romances and start them only if serious feelings have arisen. By the way, do you remember Danila and Lisa? The first time he was in her bed, the relationship did not work out. But since then, he went to another company, made a decent breakthrough both in office and in money. And today, 10 years later, he wakes up in this bed every morning.

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